Back then . . .

I am tired.

The road we face is always in the back of my mind.  When I wake up in the mornings, it takes about 2 seconds for me to start thinking about our new reality.  And I just wish I didn’t have to deal with it.  The constant reminders, the waiting on a surgery date, the dreading of the recovery . . . it just makes me tired.

I can’t help wondering how long this has been inside me – growing . . . festering.

I wonder if it has been there since I was pregnant with Emma.  This is a slow moving cancer, and for it to have spread to lymph nodes in my neck, I can’t help wondering if it has been there for a few years.  I don’t know enough about it to know how quickly it grows or spreads.

And I wonder what if it had been found back then.

Back then, I suffered a devastating miscarriage.  Back then, I had to have surgeries to correct some problems so I’d have the chance of having babies in the future.  Back then, I was determined to get pregnant again.

Back then, if someone had told me I had cancer, I would have given up.


Back then I had a hard time praying because I felt so angry with God.  It took months for me to be able to pray at all – much less have any sense of “trust” in him.

That is, until I started to understand that God is bigger than our anger, he’s bigger than our questions, he’s bigger than our doubts.  I began to understand that God is compassionate and suffers alongside us when we suffer.  I began to experience him walking with me – even if I couldn’t talk to him.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that God was preparing me for something like cancer back then.  But I will say that because of how he walked with me back then, I can be confident of his presence in my life now.

And these days, I happen to like talking to him.

I am anxious about the upcoming weeks and months.  There is a lot of unknown still – and I am nervous about the scar, nervous about being away from my family, nervous about how it will affect my day to day life for a while.  Some moments the anxiety feels like a stranglehold.

But I know I am not alone.  And I know that God will give me the strength that I need for each moment.  Because he did it back then – and is doing it right now.


2 thoughts on “Back then . . .

  1. Jennifer, my heart goes out to you as you face this journey. It is beautiful to see as you wrote in this entry how God is walking with you. I too have questioned and doubted through our journey. Before we began I was growing and had come to a new level of surrender and then when when we found out it was so difficult to trust and to get back to that point; and then a friend pointed out that God was preparing me for the journey, not waiting for me to surrender, and then testing my faith! What relief to know that God wants us to have the strength to face our trials. I have also come to understand His grace in this way: When Jesus’ friend Lazerus died, Jesus wept; and then He went on to say that it had to be for God’s glory to be reviled. I will be praying for you and your precious family in the weeks to come. Blessing.

  2. I do believe that everything we experience ~ all that God allows in our lives to happen that may be hard or that may build our character ~ is preparing us for something else. Whether good or not so good, God knows we will face hard things while we are here on earth and He is loving enough to prepare us for them, even if that preparation time is hard. And sometimes, the preparation builds us up for something wonderful, or is a part of the purpose He has for us, that He is slowly revealing to us as we live each day with him.

    Like you, there are many things that I’ve experienced that if I had known they were coming, I would have given up. And I’m facing some hard stuff in the near future, stuff that leaves my future uncertain too. And like you, what has happened before has given me such a sense that God is present NO MATTER WHAT, that He is working His Will and His Way in and through it all. And that is the most wonderful place to be, safe…in His Arms. It’s those hard things that have come before that have helped me fully embrace our loving and faithful God who never leaves us, but always comes with us through it all.

    Blessings Jen… I pray for peace in your heart and complete healing of your body. May God grant you all that you need to get from strength to strength. I am blessed to know you…

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