I am tired.
The road we face is always in the back of my mind. When I wake up in the mornings, it takes about 2 seconds for me to start thinking about our new reality. And I just wish I didn’t have to deal with it. The constant reminders, the waiting on a surgery date, the dreading of the recovery . . . it just makes me tired.
I can’t help wondering how long this has been inside me – growing . . . festering.
I wonder if it has been there since I was pregnant with Emma. This is a slow moving cancer, and for it to have spread to lymph nodes in my neck, I can’t help wondering if it has been there for a few years. I don’t know enough about it to know how quickly it grows or spreads.
And I wonder what if it had been found back then.
Back then, I suffered a devastating miscarriage. Back then, I had to have surgeries to correct some problems so I’d have the chance of having babies in the future. Back then, I was determined to get pregnant again.
Back then, if someone had told me I had cancer, I would have given up.
Back then I had a hard time praying because I felt so angry with God. It took months for me to be able to pray at all – much less have any sense of “trust” in him.
That is, until I started to understand that God is bigger than our anger, he’s bigger than our questions, he’s bigger than our doubts. I began to understand that God is compassionate and suffers alongside us when we suffer. I began to experience him walking with me – even if I couldn’t talk to him.
I wouldn’t necessarily say that God was preparing me for something like cancer back then. But I will say that because of how he walked with me back then, I can be confident of his presence in my life now.
And these days, I happen to like talking to him.
I am anxious about the upcoming weeks and months. There is a lot of unknown still – and I am nervous about the scar, nervous about being away from my family, nervous about how it will affect my day to day life for a while. Some moments the anxiety feels like a stranglehold.
But I know I am not alone. And I know that God will give me the strength that I need for each moment. Because he did it back then – and is doing it right now.