When I was pregnant with the girls, I loved going to the grocery store or Target, or just about anywhere in public during those first few weeks. I wouldn’t be showing yet, and there were no visible signs of the life growing in me yet. It felt as though I had my own little secret, and it was magical.
When the cashier would ask how I was doing (as a common courtesy to all customers), I’m sure I just beamed back, “I’m fabulous!” I’m sure they wondered why I was so excited about purchasing a can of green beans.
Today I went to the grocery store. In the short time I was there, probably 5 people asked me how I was doing. And to each person, I gave a half grin and said, “fine.”
And reality started sinking in.
I’m not showing any signs of being sick. And yet there is something toxic happening inside my body. I know it’s there. But from the outside, I look like a healthy (okay, not the prime example of health, but still) 34 year old mother of 2. It’s like I have this little secret.
And, to be quite honest, I know that when they ask “How are you?” they certainly DO NOT want to hear, “Well, actually, I have cancer and when I have surgery to remove it, I’m going to look like someone tried to decapitate me.”
Sorry . . . too much?
Thankfully, my friend Heather answered her phone on the second ring and just listened to me sob the words, “Oh my God. I have cancer.”
And it just made me so thankful that I have people in my life that I don’t have to keep at surface levels like I do the people in the grocery store line. I’m so grateful that I can be completely authentic and open – and brutally honest about how I feel at any moment.
I just needed to cry. I just needed to let it out. And then I was able to remember that I really am going to be okay. It’s going to be a difficult process, I know. I’m going to cry a lot more than I did this evening. I will be scared at times – angry at times – confused at times. But I am not alone. And I can always be grateful for that, no matter what emotion is hitting me.
I am looking at people a bit differently now, though. Those pat answers to “how are you” are rarely the truth most likely. I will pass hundreds of people, smile and say those three words. And I genuinely hope that they are as good as they say they are. But I pray that sometimes I will stop long enough to look them in the eye and find out how they really are.
On Sundays we “pass the peace” to each other – signifying that it is our prayer that all is right between the other person, God and others. I wonder how people would react in the checkout line if, instead of saying “how are you?” we would simply greet them with the peace of Christ.
And so tonight, as I sit on my patio on one of the prettiest summer nights all year, I pray that you experience the peace of Christ in your life – that all is well between you and God, you and me, and you and others.
Peace to you, my friends. Thank you for letting me be real.
Please continue to blog. Kim and I want to be able to pray effectively for you.
I am praising God for your healing!!!!!
Girl, please know that we are praying for you and ALL of your family. Know you are loved from far away:)