We hadn’t gone out, just the two of us, in months. But it was our anniversary – 10 years at that – so we picked a new place to eat and sat down. The table was round, so we didn’t sit across from each other. I put my elbows on the table and looked over at my sweet husband of ten years. Thinking of all we’d been through. Knowing there is no one else I would want to journey through this life with.
And as my hand rested on my neck, I noticed it. “Hmm, that’s interesting. I wonder if I’m coming down with something for my glands to be swollen like that. But that doesn’t really feel like a gland . . . oh great . . . how ironic that I would find this on my 10 year anniversary . . . I hope it isn’t . . .”
I thought about it occasionally, but then forgot about it. Until it came back to mind and I felt my neck. Yes, still there. That can’t be good.
Off to the campus nurse whose response was, “I’m not sure what to tell you – let me email doc and see what he says.” The next day, I went in to see him. The appointment ended with “it could be a range of things, but you need to have a biopsy to rule out cancer.” I cried. He hugged me. And so now I wait for the 19th – for the biopsy – for the results – to know how to order the rest of my life.
I’ll be honest – when I left the office I was convinced that I was dying. I cried for 4 days straight. Held my girls so much tighter. Thought of what their lives would be without a mom. Planned my funeral a couple of times. Had Gerron take pictures of us because if anything happened, I wanted them to have a picture of us girls together.
But I have felt a deep sense of calm (for now at least) in recent days. Yes, this could be bad news. But it may not be. Regardless of the outcome, how will my life be changed.
I ask myself, “What if it IS Cancer?” – and my mind fills up with a huge “to do” list. Things to take care of, times I want to spend with my girls, times I want to spend with the love of my life. Last night the thought was, “I have to clean this house – I don’t want people coming in here to go through stuff and it be a mess” I know, morbid.
I think, though, the harder question comes if it is NOT Cancer. The huge list disappears and life returns to the daily grind, the mundane, the ordinary. What if it is NOT? Why should I live my life differently than if it IS?
So, I’m processing. Hoping that it is NOT. Praying that it is NOT. Keeping that possibility in the back of my head so as to not be completely shocked should the test results show that it IS.
I don’t know what the results will be. I kind of have a feeling that chances are everything will come back normal. I’m praying that I’ll be embarrassed for worrying over absolutely nothing.
I do know, however, that God is near. He is walking with me during this time of uncertainty. And I can hope – have confident expectation – in Him. He is a God of mercy. And I’m trusting Him.
Scared – yes. Hopeless – no.